Children have the innate ability to push their parents’ buttons. This button-pushing can trigger a response a parent might later regret. The apology which is likely to follow may be well intended but all too often contains the word “but.”
For example:
- I apologize for raising my voice, BUT I asked you several times to stop hitting your brother.
- I apologize for calling you a baby, BUT I told you to stop crying and use your big-girl voice.
- I apologize for yelling, BUT you know how much your whining irritates me.
The word “but” inserted in an apology not only diminishes the impact of the apology, it offers an inappropriate justification for our behavior.
Let’s consider the same apologies without the word “BUT.”
When we apologize with no strings attached, our children will feel our heartfelt sentiments. From our example, they will understand the importance of taking responsibility for one’s behavior.”
July 13th, 2009 at 10:47 am
You know, my generation grew up without all the pussyfooting around ! Children were punished and reprimanded when parents felt it was needed. I see nothing wrong with using the word “but.” A child needs to feel the “heartfelt sentiment” but also needs to know when they are doing wrong!
July 15th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
I grew up being told to do as my parents said and not what they did, which I always felt was unfair. My 27 month old sure knows how to push my buttons but I always try to be upfront about my actions and reasons for them. I have apologized for raising my voice or using a less than loving tone with her in the hope that she will not be afraid to calmly tell her dad or me what’s on her mind. Once everyone has calmed down I sit her down with me and explain what it was she should or should not have done and explain that it is out of the love I have for her that I correct her actions. I feel that I am the example that she will emulate, and that means creating a secure and calm environment for her to grow up in.
July 24th, 2009 at 4:32 pm
This is a wonderful addition to your website and I liked reading it. Thank you Step2 for making such terrific products that enrich children’s lives. We thorougly enjoy them!
August 9th, 2009 at 5:37 am
The caution but about inserting a disclaiming “but” has many applications with your children - “you are doing well with math, BUT you need to do better on tests.” “I appreciate that you emptied the dishwasher BUT you need to do it more often.” One test is to try out the statement on yourself. “This is a great dinner, BUT you need to do it more often.” “The garden looks great, BUT you really need to weed it better.” Did you feel complimented?