Understanding death is a life-long process that begins in early childhood. Handling feelings about death is a personal experience.
A young child’s curiosity about death often centers on the physical facts. A child might want to know what happens to the body at death. What does dead look like? Do dead people see, feel or experience hunger? Children must first understand death’s concrete manifestations.
Talking about a death that is not significant to the child’s world is the best opportunity to explore the topic and help a child articulate his/her fears. The demise of a plant, fish, pet or distant relative lays the groundwork for helping children cope with a more painful death.
When someone dies it is important to approach the discussion with your child gently and lovingly; the tone of your voice should be warm, empathic and kind. What you say is significant, but how you say it will have an even greater bearing on how your child internalizes the message. Your child should feel that the subject can be discussed openly and without fear, even if you are experiencing some conflicted or unresolved feelings.
Adults often withhold information about death fearing it will threaten a child’s sense of security and well-being. Consider the following:
- Feelings of exclusion can be much harder for children than feelings of sadness.
- Uncertainly can arouse anxiety; when there are unanswered and unspoken questions, children usually create their own explanations. Often these explanations are scarier than reality.
- Since young children take what we say literally, euphemisms such as “lost,” “passed away,” or “laid to rest” should not be used when talking to your child about death.
One of the best ways to promote a child’s well-being is to give straightforward answers to his/her questions and ample opportunity to ask them. A child’s principal source of strength is understanding that death can be talked about openly and without fear.