CreativePlay Plus: Ideas in Play and Child Development

Dealing with challenging behavior is one of the most stressful aspects of parenting. Decades ago “hitting” children was an acceptable response to their negative behavior.  As parents learned that physical punishment fails to prevent misbehavior, “hitting” became taboo and putting a child in “time-out” became the popular alternative.  In “time-out” a child is sent or taken to an isolated area where s/he is expected to remain for a specified period of time; the time spent in “time-out” typically correlates with the child’s age, (i.e. three minutes for a three year old; five minutes for a five year old.)

Time-Out became popular for the following reasons:

• It is a relatively easy way to interrupt unwanted behavior.
• It offers the adult a needed space away from the child so the adult can calm down.
• It helps the adult refrain from using physical punishment by providing an alternative approach of responding to a child’s misbehavior

While “time-out” is preferable to physical punishment, it has limitations:

• A child who is naturally loquacious may need to talk out loud in order to think through a situation; this child sorts out his/her thoughts as they are expressed to others.  Time-out alone will shut down this child’s thinking.
• A child who processes experiences with feelings and then later thoughts may shut down both thoughts and feelings when sent to “time-out.”
• If a child lacks information or skills, “time-out” alone will not provide them.
• “Time-out” may feel like the withdrawal of love or promote feelings of abandonment, both of which can be very frightening to a child.
• When children regard “time-out” as a punishment they often use their discomfort to blame the parent rather than learn fro the experience.

The ultimate goal with discipline is to have the child experience the uncomfortable feelings associated with making a poor choice and then learn from the experience. The following model will help achieve this:

• Provide the child with guidance and explain what is likely to occur.  For example, “If you leave your bike out in the street it’s possible someone might take it.”
• Allow the child to experience the natural consequences of his/her actions or behavior.
• Always model self control by remaining calm and composed without attributing blame or guilt to the child; blame or guilt decrease the likelihood that meaningful learning will occur.
• Offer much empathy when the child experiences an unpleasant outcome; you don’t have to agree with the child in order to understand and/or appreciate the child’s uncomfortable feelings.
• Assist the child in learning new strategies to prevent the same mistake or one of a similar nature to repeat.

Understanding death is a life-long process that begins in early childhood. Handling feelings about death is a personal experience.

A young child’s curiosity about death often centers on the physical facts. A child might want to know what happens to the body at death.  What does dead look like?  Do dead people see, feel or experience hunger?  Children must first understand death’s concrete manifestations.

Talking about a death that is not significant to the child’s world is the best opportunity to explore the topic and help a child articulate his/her fears.  The demise of a plant, fish, pet or distant relative lays the groundwork for helping children cope with a more painful death.

When someone dies it is important to approach the discussion with your child gently and lovingly; the tone of your voice should be warm, empathic and kind.  What you say is significant, but how you say it will have an even greater bearing on how your child internalizes the message.  Your child should feel that the subject can be discussed openly and without fear, even if you are experiencing some conflicted or unresolved feelings.

Adults often withhold information about death fearing it will threaten a child’s sense of security and well-being.  Consider the following:

• Feelings of exclusion can be much harder for children than feelings of sadness.
• Uncertainly can arouse anxiety; when there are unanswered and unspoken questions, children usually create their own explanations.  Often these explanations are scarier than reality.
• Since young children take what we say literally, euphemisms such as “lost,” “passed away,” or “laid to rest” should not be used when talking to your child about death.

One of the best ways to promote a child’s well-being is to give straightforward answers to his/her questions and ample opportunity to ask them.  A child’s principal source of strength is understanding that death can be talked about openly and without fear.

Parents have several important responsibilities among them; to protect children and keep them safe and to help children grow and become independent.  As Hodding Carter noted, “There are two lasting bequests we can give our children, one is roots, and the other is wings.”

While it comes naturally for parents to keep their children out of harms way, promoting children’s independence can be a more daunting task.  We can encourage independence, self-reliance and promote positive self – esteem in young children by involving them in household tasks.  This helps children make valuable contributions to family life.

Involving children in household chores:

• Increases family togetherness
• Helps children acquire new skills and gain new masteries that promote healthy self-esteem.
• Enables children to experience first-hand what it means to be a family “producer” rather than simply a family “consumer.”
• Helps children learn from an early age that real work is fun and rewarding.
• Nurtures young children’s natural desire to feel useful and/or helpful.

When encouraging young children to participate in “real” work efforts, chores should always be developmentally appropriate and adapted to a youngster’s interests and abilities.  The following suggestions can serve as a helpful guideline.

• Notice what adult behaviors children are imitating, especially those related to adult tasks.
• Always involve children in deciding what tasks they would like to do; greater input typically equates to greater buy-in!
• Help children learn how to do a given task before they attempt it on their own.
• Divide larger jobs into smaller and more manageable parts.  For example, when sorting laundry, first have your child pick out all the socks and then introduce the idea of finding matching pairs.
• Encourage and reinforce children’s efforts.  While their standards may not be the same as an adult’s, resist redoing a task a child has already completed.
• Avoid communicating that tasks are boring and need to be endured.  Children have a propensity for mimicking adult behavior and manifesting adult attitudes.
• Acknowledge children’s accomplishments with very specific praise.  For example, “Setting the table allowed us to sit down and eat together as soon as dinner was ready; that was helpful, thank you!”

Children want to be a part of the adult world just as much as they want adults to share their world.  If children are encouraged to contribute their efforts in accomplishing appropriate tasks at home, the lives of both parents and children become enriched.

The philosopher, essayist and poet, Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “What you do speaks so loudly, I can’t hear what you are saying.”  This has profound meaning for parents since children carefully look for cues regarding adult behavior, paying greater attention to what adults do than to what adults say.  In fact, adult behavior remains one of the most powerful skills parents have in influencing their children.  However, children become easily confused when adults verbally express one value and physically model another. For example:

• We want our children to remain calm and composed in the face of frustration or disappointments but don’t always handle our own frustrations and disappointments well.  What did you look like and sound like the last time you were running late due to an unanticipated traffic jam?
• We encourage our children to use both calm voices and appropriate words when they are upset, but what do our voices and words sound like when we are under duress?  What words and tone did you use when you were accidently rear ended?
• We frequently ask our children to stop crying when they can’t find their favorite toy, but how do we act when we’ve misplaced something that is important to us.  What behaviors did you display when you were frantically looking around the house for your misplaced car keys?

As parents it is important to remember the following:

• The adult behavior we exhibit reflects what we value.

• Desired behavior does not result when we model one action and expect a different one from our child.

• Congruency occurs when children observe parental words that are consistent with their actions.

• How adults express and manage their own feelings serves as a model that is remembered by children throughout their lifetime.

• Children continually learn form adults, regardless if the adults intention is to teach.

• One of the greatest influences parents have on children is the example they set as role models.

Undoubtedly an important aspect of child development is a child’s ability to be playful. No one knew this better than Dr. Seuss who said:

“I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it’s a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope, which is what I do. And that enables you to laugh at life’s realities.”

To be playful means to have a flexible understanding and approach to life. It also means having the ability to make an experience more joyful and entertaining. If you have a child, you understand that most children inherently have this gift to make a lot of situations fun when given the opportunity. Even something as simple as walking from the car to the front door could mean a chance to skip, twirl, fly, and buzz all the way home.  We write a lot about the importance of giving children time to play, but having a playful disposition may be just as important as the act of playing itself. One way to help your child be playful: reading books by creative writers like Dr. Seuss. Another way, be a playful parent! That way, when they come up against a boring or scary situation they have the freedom to escape into their imagination and make light of some of life’s tedious tasks.

Playday is an annual event in the UK that celebrates children’s right to play. On Playday thousands of children and communities will take part in locally organized events across the UK.  While this is a great opportunity for children to get out and play, the Playday campaign raises awareness about serious issues affecting children’s play. For instance, creative play is essential for physical and emotional growth, mental, intellectual and educational development, and for acquiring social and behavioral skills.

Learn more about Playday in the UK.

I know this isn’t an original thought, but it recently occurred to me that children at play and scientists at work have a lot in common.  Both seem to start with the same question, What if?  What if I put this big block on top of this little one?  What if I’m the mommy and you’re the baby?  What if I drop a heavy ball and a light ball? Which one hits the ground first?

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• The baby seems fussier than usual.  What if you try dancing to Roy Orbison while holding her over your shoulder?  How about Madonna?

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What If also drives art. In fact, very little that is new comes into existence without a What If first.

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• Impressionism was largely an answer to the question, “What if you paint the feeling of things, instead of their surfaces?”
• Mozart asked, “What if I play it softer; louder; faster; fancier; slower; in ¾ time?” And there you have it: theme and variations.

For What If to work its magic, the player-solver-artist needs a space, some objects, tools to work on them, and most important the assurance that not too much can go wrong.

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I don’t think you need to teach your child to play.  But you can set an example by taking a playful approach to life.

• What if you turn left, instead of right the way you normally go? What if you take the contents of your junk drawer and make something? What if you put a carrot top in a bowl of grape juice? Will it sprout? Will you get a blue carrot?

Being a playful parent yourself may help your child feel comfortable wondering What If and feel secure exploring their growing curiosities.

ZenHabits.net lets us in on some tips for raising happy children. Here are a few to whet your appetite. The others are available by clicking the link below:

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Communicating criticism to children can sometimes be subtle.

• Sighing when a child does something that you do not approve of
• Making offhand remarks made to others that the child may overhear “Your brother just doesn’t know any better”
• Indicating that the child should be perfect “Next time we’ll practice more so you won’t make any mistakes in your piano recital.”

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While parents and teachers in these situations are probably trying to help a child cope when things aren’t going their way, they may be unknowingly communicating their own our frustrations.

Rather than automatically reacting to unwanted behaviors with negative feedback it’s important to be mindful that we catch children being good and sandwich constructive feedback with rewards for positive behavior. Even if a child is misbehaving there are often opportunities to catch your child being good.
• For example, if your child is screaming at his sister and you ask him to sit down and be quiet, when he does so, you have an opportunity to reward for the positive behavior of listening and doing what you asked while also providing criticism about the negative behavior.
o “I like how you just listened! Good job listening. But screaming at your sister is not okay.”

Make a list of all of the negative and positive things that you have said to your child today and see whether there are more negatives or more positives.

For more information, here are some previous posts with similar information about providing constructive and positive feedback in the face of what could be a frustrating situation:

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Praising Art, Athletic, and Musical Abilities

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One of the most challenging tasks of parenting is preparing our children for success. Our ever-changing, technologically sophisticated society further complicates this issue. Some parents expose their children to a variety of early learning and enrichment opportunities, hoping to provide an edge in a competitive marketplace. While these programs have merit, we must also teach our children self-reliance, compassion and ethics.

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Conventional schooling helps children increase their knowledge base and acquire valuable skills. However, this alone is not enough. In this time of economic uncertainty, the most enduring gift we can give our children are tools that will help them develop strong character. Parents must focus less on what their children will become and more on who they will become. To prepare our children for success both now and in the future we must encourage them in the following ways:

• Help them maintain high standards of personal conduct
• Support relationships where they treat others with dignity and respect
• Foster their pursuit of lifelong learning
• Provide them with opportunities to delay gratification
• Help them develop empathy so they are better able to understand others feelings
• Become attentive listeners so they can focus on what others are saying
• Handle adversity
• Choose a positive attitude

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Additionally, when we spend time with our children they feel valuable and worthy. Our unconditional love for our children is the foundation upon which their characters are built. As parents, we must do more then make our children feel good, we must help our children become competent, resourceful and good people. This will prepare them for both the challenges and opportunities ahead.

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